Cher .. I Got Her Babe (almost)

Long, long ago in a place called Omaha, Nebraska

This story begins a long time ago. I was the Boy With No Pants, and the new Sonny and Cher Show was the hottest thing going on early night television. I was a young stud in my mid teens, and was somewhere in the middle of what would become a five year erection. Oh, those were the days. Anyway , I remember laying on the living room floor in front of the old Zenith console television. Just me and my erection, and we were looking at the the most beautiful woman in the world on that screen. Cher. Even though she was older than me, I wanted her ... I wanted her to be my wife. I knew this might take a while as she was already married to that lovable bozo Sony. But sooner or later, he'd have to go.

About that time my mom was walking through the living room, vacuum cleaner in hand. I said to her, pointing at the screen, "Mom, I'm going to marry her." My mother was the smartest person I've ever known and she coolly replied, "Not until you finish school." I thought to myself, yea .. that would work just fine. That's just a few years and the added maturity will make me even more impressive for the undertaking. Gosh, this would be great. I wouldn't have to worry about college because I wouldn't need a job. I seriously doubted that Cher would want me to work, considering she already had plenty of money and we'd need that time together. Oh yea .. this would work!

I've always felt like God put me here for something real, real special. I know He did. But as I've gotten older, I realize that the special thing I'm here for may not necessarily be a big thing. But in those days I thought special would be something like maybe being the leader of the world, or a rock star, so marrying Cher didn't seem to be the slightest bit out of reason.

The years began to go by. There was school, then work, and a career. I never gave up on marrying Cher. I just put her on the back burner, and waited patiently for my big break.

Just as I knew it would, I got my big break. By now I was in my mid twenties and I was an up and coming star with the company I worked for. If you were the best of the best in what ever position you held with the company, you earned the "Presidential Citation" and you and the other best of the best went on an extravagant first class trip. Our president was a very first class guy who started the company with fifteen hundred dollars. In ten years he built it into the largest company in it's industry. Getting back to my story .. sorry I tend to wander. This year the trip was to Hawaii. There were I guess fifty or sixty of us on our chartered plane. It was open bar, and the alcohol was flowing like water over a dam. By the time we got to Hawaii, most of us were so drunk, we couldn't sit up straight at the awards ceremony being held at the hotel that night. After the awards, the partying continued until the wee hours of morning. I awoke about ten o'clock the next morning in my hotel room. I was fully dressed laying on top of the bed covers with the hangover from hell. I went down and had breakfast with a few of the guys who were in as bad a shape as me. We were staying at the Diamond Head Hyatt Regency on Waikiki Blvd. After breakfast I walked across the street to the beach and rented a surf board. I decided to just lay the board in the surf and let the cool water wash up on my feet while I took a little nap. I went down the beach a little ways until I was beach side to the Hilton, and did just that. The water felt so relaxing. I just soaked it up. This really was Paradise! I must have dozed off for a bit laying there on my board, but when I opened my eyes, there was a group of people standing around me in a half circle. My first thought was that I'd been washed out to sea, and hd been rescued or something. But as my senses started coming back, I realized they weren't looking at me. They were focused on something in back of me. I got up on my elbows and cranked my head around to see what they were looking at. My friends, what I saw made me seriously consider that I may have drowned, and that I was in the real paradise. Towering over me about thirty inches from my head stood Cher! A zillion thoughts ran through my head in a split second but all leading me to to one conclusion. Destiny was being fulfilled .

As it turns out, the semi circle of people were waiting to get autographs. So I stand straight up. That puts me directly in front of and face to face with the one and only ... CHER!! On TV Cher looks like she's a good twenty beautiful feet tall. I'm a little over six feet tall, and what noticed first, was how much smaller she was than me, and that she was more beautiful face to face, than she ever was on television. She gives me that cute little Cher smile and says, "I thought you drowned." I said, "Well, why weren't you giving me mouth to mouth .. and do you know who I am?" She giggled and said. "No, who are you?" I replied, "I'm Jimmy Lee, your next husband, that's who I am girl." She laughs and says, "Well husband, do you want an autograph .. you did cut in line." I borrow the felt tip pen from the guy who was supposed to be getting an autograph and hand it to her. she asked me, "What should I write on?" I bring my chest up closer and point to my left pec. She giggles, lightly taps my pec, and starts writing. " To Jimmy my future husband, with love Cher" While she's writing she asked me if I was coming to the show tonight? I asked her which show she was talking about, and she said it was a Sony and Cher reunion concert right here at the Hilton. I said, "Only if I get a hug." She said, I'd love to, but he might kill you" as she pointed to " Bruto " a great big Samoan looking dude with no neck. (her body guard) So I take her in one more time and told her I'd be there. She gave me a cute wink, I picked up my board and headed back to the Hyatt. My hangover was gone.

I arrived at the hotel and as I got to the elevators, I saw some of the guys. Randy, from Oklahoma City yells out, "Hey Butcher (my nic name), you going to the party to night?" I yell back, "Nope, got a date." Joe from Chicago ask me with who, and I said " none of your damn business Joey." When i get back to my room, I order up some food and a Bloody Mary. When I'm finished, I decided to take a nap. I wanted to be fresh for tonight! I woke up around five thirty PM and took a shower. (being careful not to mess up my autograph) Then I began to select my wardrobe for the evening and got dressed. I couldn't get enough of what I saw in the mirror, but there it was. Jimmy Boy with a great tan wearing a white Pendleton sports jacket, no shirt, thin black leather tie, white Panama Jack slacks, and beige leather sandals. I looked good, and felt even better.

I walked down the street to the Open Air Flea Market and looked around for little while, just to kill some time. Then I headed over to the Hilton, got my ticket, and went to the bar. I didn't want to hang around my hotel because I didn't want to run to anyone else that I knew and answer any questions. I had about an hour to kill before the show began. After I'd finished my third rum and coke, it was time for me to claim my prize. At this time, Cher was married to Greg Allman, who I'd actually met back stage after a concert at the Civic Auditorium in Omaha, Nebraska. I wasn't worried about Greg. I knew he was bagging every sleazy little groupie he could get his hands on. Cher could do better. Cher could do me .

The show room was packed. I want to get as close to the stage as I could, so I gently forced my way to a table about ten feet from the stage. Sony and Cher came on and started with the old act Sony being an idiot and Cher with her one liners putting him in place. Then they started singing. It was cool. The only problem was, I was trying to make eye contact with her so she knew I was there. I was getting a little nervous because my eye was contacting her , but her eye wasn't contacting me . I order another rum and coke and continue with the eye contact thing. Did she forget about our wonderful experience at the beach? By this time I'm feeling no pain, so get up from my table and head up towards the stage, thinking that I might get her attention. When I'm about three feet from the stage, Bruto comes flying in out of no where getting between me and the stage, and pushing me back. I push him back and tell him if puts his hands on me again there won't be a next time. Before I could move, Bruto had me in a head lock and was dragging me towards the exit door. I was giving it all I had, but friends, it was all Bruto. While he still had me in a head lock , he used my butt as a battering ram for the exit door. Waiting for us was hotel security. Four big guys. Finally Bruto let's me go, and heads back to the show. I start to talk, and the head honcho says, "Just shut up, and don't say a word. Are you a guest of the hotel?" I say, "The Hilton was put here for those who can't afford the Hyatt, I'm a Hyatt guy." Head honcho says, " If you walk out of here quietly, you won't go to jail. This isn't like the mainland. You won't like our jail. Now what's it going to be smart ass?" At this point I realize I'm a beaten man and I say, " I'd just like go back to my hotel?" Them he tells me to enjoy the Island and to stay out of trouble. So I give him my best Aloha, and tell him. " by the way, if you run into Cher, tell her she can kiss Jimmy Lee's ass."

I got back to the hotel and went to the bar on the ground floor. I got a chair at the bar and just ordered ice water. Joey from Chicago comes up and says mockingly, "I thought you had a date. You're in kind of early aren't you?" I said, " Joey, my date and I had an early dinner. She couldn't keep her hands off me, so we went up to my room. We were in the middle of some great sex when she suddenly died. Joey, it was your mother, and the old broad just couldn't take it. I'm so sorry." Joey tells me to go F myself and stormed off.

What I learned. Destiny isn't a place, or a person, or an end. Destiny is a journey. The people and the places, are just guide post helping us through our journey. And destiny doesn't have an end, only a beginning.