Love and Marriage and .. Divorce
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A couple of my friends have written hubs on marriage in the past few days. Izettl (my female twin) wrote an excellent little number, and here's the link http://hubpages.com/hub/I-Love-You-But-I-Dont-like-You#comment-596024 KT Banks did a great one. She's a great little writer, and needs to get that fan base built, so if you're a member of my little family here on the Hub, let's show her how we treat family, and give her some love. Here's a link to hers.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Bridezilla-Maniacs#comment-5966063 The democrats, and republicans both have me seeing red right now, so I'm going to chill a few days, then come back and tell you how this budget thing's gotta work.
Now I'm going to talk to you about marriage the same way I do politics. I'm going to be more concerned with giving you some reality and truth,. than I am making you feel good all over.
When i started this Hub, it was tough finding a title that wasn't taken. I'm getting the opinion that the subject of marriage comes up often here on the Hub Pages. Lets just say, "I'll try to be different." ..
Lets start with some numbers. Being in business, and now politics. numbers are my friend. They never lie. Okay, where'd I put those .. Alrighty .. I googled up something at divorcerate.org. It seems that first marriage divorce rates are 42%, second marriage divorce rates are 60%, and third marriage divorce rates are 73%. That gives us a 58.3 % over all average, which is a lot different than the 48 and 50% figure that's being thrown around. Look how the average actually skyrockets after the second and third marriage. ManI love numbers. They can see around corners .. can show you a problem before the problem becomes one. It's like catching a hurricane before it even becomes a tropical storm. For instance, those numbers tell us something that's way more important than the numbers themselves. The forty % of the second timers and the 27% of the three timers who are still hanging in there, must be some wretchedly unhappy folks. Holy crap .. I'd like to take a look at the homicide rate in that last bunch.
Now it's time to check your air tanks because we're going deep. ..
I'm going to talk about two things that relate to one another. The first is this ..
"Wanting to want" .. The wanting to want thing is something I've been pounding into peoples' heads for years in business and sales. I've pounded it into my kids' heads, now I'm getting ready to pound it in yours. It may be the single biggest reason for failure that there is, because everything begins here. People go through life getting frustrated because they fail at things that they've studied for, been prepared for , and have all the answers for. What I'm about to tell you, you won't get from watching TV or reading books. It's some No Pants Psychology, and it's bullet proof. People fail at things because they don't want to do them. That's what I said. When people want to do something, they do it almost every time. The problem is that folks attempt to do things that they feel they are suppose to want to do .. things that they've been raised or conditioned to believe that they are supposed to want. Haven't you ever wondered why one person can quit smoking, say an average type, and someone else who's a real go getter, a real Type A, struggles and fails over and over again. Somebody like say .. Obama? They know the statistics, the warnings, and such. They have patches, pills, and CD's, yet they keep failing. Folks, they know they should quit. They want badly to want to quit, but it's just not there.
Reading the two Hubs I mentioned above, got me to reading some different tips for saving a marriage written by some real experts on the subject. What a bunch of clowns. I'm sorry. These geeks get paid for giving advice on saving a marriage, not saving it. Buying flowers, sexy under wear, expensive dinner dates. and blah, blah .. In many marriages, this is like trying to give mouth to mouth resuscitation to a freakin dog that's been dead for two weeks. Maybe the divorce rate isn't high enough. We have to be honest with ourselves people. Do we desperately want to want our marriage to work, because maybe we don't like being alone, or embarrassment, or there's a financial situation? Okay, now to answer that question. We've taken ourselves out to dinner, then gotten ourselves goofy drunk. and and the truth spills out; we find out that we really do want to save the old marriage. Before you head out to the florist, book dinner reservations, or head over to Victoria's Secrets', there are still problems ..
There's another person involved. Remember? This leads me to the second thing I want you to think about .. expectations.
Remember those numbers up there? Those numbers indicate that there's almost a one hundred percent chance that one and possibly both you and that person you're married to came from a broken home. If one person, comes from a broken home, and the other comes from a happy unbroken home, the expectations for the marriage are more than likely much different, no matter how much love and razzle dazzle there is. If both people come from broken homes the expectations of both people may be much lower than their hopes. This is ugly stuff. I admit it, but we can't win a game without knowing the score. Nothing's a hundred percent, but the possibilities are compelling enough that we have to seriously look at this stuff. Stay with me here.
Both people in a marriage or a couple planning to get married must sit down in a locked room, remove the pants, and not come out until they have a real understanding of their honest expectations. The rule is, you can add to expectations, but never take away. With honest communication, expectations can be worked with. It's easier to do without pants, and achievements can be celebrated in a more timely fashion. Finding the difference between what expectations you'd like to have and what you actually have is the first step. It's gotta happen ..
How do you turn wanting to want .. into wanting?
You can not create fire, but if you put the ingredients of fire together, it will start. It takes fuel, oxygen, and ignition. If those ingredients aren't there, a fire ain't gonna happen no matter what. However, if there's a spark, you can fan it into a bonfire with the right amount of fuel. If you want to want something badly, but don't honestly want it yet, take possession of it with your mind. Own in mentally for a week, and retest yourself. You'll probably find that you now want it. It may take a little longer, but you will want it. Now in the case of marriage, you can want it all you want, and that's the necessary first step, but you need a participating partner to actually get it. Obviously your partner has to follow the drill too. If they won't do it, they don't want it. Hell, they may not even want to want it.
Settling for existence. Okay, you've been married for a while or quite a while. You've done a honesty check, and your marriage sucks, or is close to sucking. If after a gut wrenching honest evaluation, you've found that whether it be on your part or the other parties' part, that the ingredients for a fire just aren't there, what do ya do? By now you've figured out that the main reason you're hanging in there is due to finances or security ot the kids, or something. Do you file for divorce? Not so quick. You still have the Existence Clause. Just existing get's a bad rap sometimes. Sure, meeting the man or woman of your dreams, and having a blissful relationship for the rest of your life is many people's idea of the ultimate situation, but it's still a crazy world out there, and you can get killed looking for bliss. Besides, whoever said that we actually needed bliss in the first place? That's dumb. Cool people reject bliss. Existing can be fun, as long as you're honest about the real reason you're hanging in there, and quit disappointing your self by wrapping yourself around a bunch of false dreams that ain't gonna happen. Whoever you are, you are awesome. You are beautiful, and you have a purpose. You are needed because you can do something better than anyone else. If you can't think of what it is, you're not thinking. Get busy and figure it out. If I wern't anything but a head sitting in a bowel and wired to a battery, and my kids hated me, while the only attention I got from my wife was when she walked by and pissed in my head bowl .. I'd have a worthwhile existence's, because the Jesus dude I'm so crazy about has put some beautiful people from the Hub Pages in my life. They need me, and I need them. There's no selfishness, and we love supporting one another. We're so happy, we're freakin silly. It does not get much better than that dear reader.
Don't dump your partner, just tidy things up a bit.
Wrapping it up ..
In a nut shell; Remember what I said about expectations. If couples would realize how important this is, and would address it before they got married, the divorce rate would drop dramatically.
At least know the difference between what you want to do and what you want to want to do, and work on it.
If yours is a solid but sucky marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need a divorce, OR that you have to be miserable. Write a book, join the gym, whatever .. Divide and conquer. Create your own bliss around the marriage if you can't find it in the marriage. Some people like those nasty little cyber affairs. It's not the nicest thing in the world, but it's a hell of a lot better than getting cooties, or getting fed up, and going Glock on your worthless spouse just because they can't get the job done.. It's possible that I got carried away on that last part about cyber nookie. It's possible that I get carried away sometimes.
Love begins with yourself. When the opportunity presents itself, buy yourself some sexy underwear, then take yourself to dinner. Get yourself a little tipsy. take yourself to a nice little motel, and have a ball. Become a circumstance, not a victim. Confidence builds confidence, and a confident person is sexy .. whether you're male or female.
Just in case you'ld like to know what credentials are, I'm in my third marriage, and I come from a double broken home. My expection level is somewhere around " If one or both of us make it to the end without a homicide, it's a successful marriage." I'm a charming sucker with a big heart, who loves adventure, and excitement. I don't like drama, and I'm always right, making me a good woman's worst nightmare I'd imagine.
I am .. The Man with No Pants ..
Thank you. Don't forget to say your prayers, eat all your veges. and tell some one they are beautiful today.
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Well, I understand what you said fully having been there before and going there again. Compatibility becomes a key issue. I had heard that people change after getting married. Then I saw it in action and didn't need 3D glasses either. When someone hides their baggage well another can get sucked in. When one gets what they want then they start unpacking that same baggage willy-nilly whenever there is a disagreement and they stay there stuck in the past then I, personally, draw the line.
Any time there is a disagreement and it escalates because of the past baggage then after a while I can't, and won't, handle it. It borders on abusive conduct jim. I had nothing to do with their past and they had nothing to do with mine. You share things with your partner about your past and no one needs that crap waved in their face when it has nothing to do what the two people are talking about in the first place.
Izetti had it right. I might love someone but they can make me not like them by their conduct. I still have a certain love for my son's mother because she is my son's mother. Do I like her? Not at all and it is all based on her conduct.
I could go on because you know I just wrote recently about ending a relationship being an endurance race. When it is over, it is over. Then you need to regroup and really look inside yourself rather than keep badgering the other person. That's all for now.
Great read and well written. Ciao for now. But let me add this. Dealing with hurt can be tough. But to deal with hurt by turning it into anger is self-destructive, counter-productive and the only person you are harming is yourself.
Jim
AKA The Frog Prince
I dunno how you made through the line Brie. Ya got it all it seems.
jim
I agree Jim. Fortunatly for me, I have an obsessive issue. It's fortunate when I use it as opposed to letting it take over. I can channel my pain, frustratiom etc. by channelling my focus. I would guess that makes me highly dysfunctional as if the No Pants thing didn't give it away. (laughing) I personally believe that every relationship beyond the 8th grade creates baggage. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd of been going PSF on steroids with their bags and my own. The groping was there. but I wasn't looking for weapons. :/
jim
My 23 year old is dating and I always tell her - everybody has some issues and baggage. Be careful to choose a man who has issues you can deal with and settle down. Work through the troubles - otherwise you're just going to end up trading one man's problems for another's. LOL
Excellent hub - and as always - fabulous photography!
That is an interesting read. The funny thing is, I went into this marriage, thinking it might not last and just enjoy it while it did. That was 24 years ago. My husband taught me something very important. He can't read my mind.
So, I just tell him what I need or want from him. He's usually happy to comply. He never misses important dates because I start reminding him about a month ahead of time. Anyway, it works for us - so far! ;)
BTW - your chair is in the way.
RH,
23 year old daughter? I had you pegged for late twenties/early thirties. Good job girl! Yeah, like I said .. "any relationship past eithth grade has baggage."
Glad you lied the hub. It's a different sort of writting for me. Next thing you know I'll be doing recipes. :))
jim
You know .. Now that you mention it. I'm saying it's better to go into a relationship with higher expectations than lower. But what about no expectations? Hmmm .. That works too!
Chair? I can explain! "It was cold. I had shrinkage!"
jim
* lol
Okay - I'll have a veggie burger with double order of bacon and a diet coke with two sugars please. For dessert a soup bowl full of low fat jello with a double order or whip cream made from REAL cream too please. .. oh - and can you put the coke in a dirty glass?
great hub
From my perspective I see couples going into marriage expecting their significant other to know how they feel without explaining anything. Now that's a tragic and deadly mistake. The saddest thing I can think of is ending a marriage and hearing one person tell the other..you never told me what you needed. Communicate and from time to time be prepared and excited to re-invent your marriage. Up and awesome!
Neil,
Right on man. All this bottled water crqp. My favorite water still come from a hose with that good old rubber flavor.
j
Patti,
Yep. Communication is key, but it's an impossible feat for many. A marriage takes work. It takes maintenance, and I think it's like a computer. You need to update it often. If a person wants to do it, they can make positive things happen.
See ya at the inn!
jim
Hey neighbor, it sounds like you got this marriage thing figured out pretty well. You and Laura should co-author a book on this subject, it might become a best seller.
After almost 48 years of marriage, I often wonder what expectations young couples have when they head for the alter. I'm sure many visualize a lifetime honeymoon, and boy are they in for a shock. The first battle usually concerns that motorcycle the new wife decides has to go. You know, "If you loved me you would sell that damn motorcycle." Then comes all the other things a man is asked to do to prove his undying love for this woman he now calls his wife. I figure my hanging around for 48 years is enough proof, and I am sticking with that story.
Mike,
When pleasure is beyond reality, pleasent survival is the goal. You have mastered the art of survival. I am actualy in awe of you, and you are my hero in this area!
jim
That must be the part missing in the high number of divorces we see today, the art of survival. Great way of putting it my friend.
Pants, You lost me, I can't do math. Which number was the highest, and you didn't address all these.
1- Hetero-sexual marriages. Oh yeah, you did.
2- Homo-sexual marriages.
3- Beastiality marriages.
4- Material marriages.
5- Allien marriages, mostly do to abductions.
I'm so confused! H
Yep. People keep trying to teach that dead dog do tricks, when they need to stuff it and put it in the corner. It'll never bite ya, won't crap on the floor, and you can pet it anytime you want.
Harvey,
(laughing) too much my man!
Gay marriage - most of these are forever. I'm not sure why, but I've got some ideas.
Beastiality marriages - Bitch will drop you for the first German Shepherd that comes by after you go to work
Material marriages - These will last a long time if the money holds out.
Allien marriages - In the end, they all are.
Thanks for the read my friend!
jim
Pants,
Not PC:
1- Crowbars are getting harder to find.
2- Monkey's will do anything, anytime.
3- It's difficult to do it with a Rolex.
4- In the end, do you speak of URANIANS?
You need to get into tis, my friend. Let me know what your researh tells you in two years. H
I'll look into it by golly!
I'm a little late to the party, but I've had a sick kid today.
"no pants psychology" now your'e stepping into my territory. Hey, I like this side of you and I'm with you on the numbers. The numbers also show we're more likely to die in a car crash than a plane but more people jump into a car than planes.
Sometimes I think people who desparately try everything for their marriages are the most afraid of being alone- I'm not afraid of being alone- I don't think you are either so it's not high on our priority list.
I'm with you all the way on expectations, I've written this in a hub or two about sex after marriage. Most guys get disappointed at the lack of and I always ask, did they even ask how much their wife would like to have it for the long haul. If it's important to you, then you should discuss it in that locked room you were talking about. Duke it out there instead of whine after getting married! You coined an awesome phrase in your hub too- create bliss around the marriage if it isn't in it. Well said. Move on one way or the other.
great voted up hub- glad I could help inspire this.
Sis,
Thanks for the read. You have some good thoughts here. I'm especially fond of the ones that agree with me of course. :) I've got a mistress that puts out any time my wife won't. Her name is Astro Glyde. Miss Glyde is a great little companion who takes care of business, and never says a word.
Thanks for the vote Sis!
jim
Wow.. I think I spent as much time on the comments as I did on the article. Very amusing read all around. I love your style and wit. I had no idea that the chances of divorce increased so dramatically with subsequent marriages. Very interesting. Thanks.
Hey Bud,
I just got a notice that you gave me a follow. Thank my man! Yeah, that surprised me too. I showed it to my wife, and she acted like she knew it all along. Bitch. (just kidding)
Thanks again my friend!
jim
Dear Jim,
I admire your ability to subterfuge, hang in there and make your situation be what you want. Me? Never again. I feel like I gave my youth away making do. I have no desire to change anyone and I have no desire to change me to suit anyone. Your charm, resilience and great attitude is evident in this piece. But, my brain rebels. I think I put so much time and effort into stifling myself for most of my life that I will not spend one more moment of my life acquiesing to anyone. Yep, I went from "sweet little Amy" to a rebel with a cause. At this stage of the game, its about me. I am done with giving my all, hoping for a few leftover crumbs. I will never be a man-hater. But, I will never again be a doormat. I will go on to enjoy, if a mutually satisfying exchange of ideas, sparks and fun are there, but I don't want to be covert about who I am for anyone. It took balls, effort and gut-wrenching purpose for me to exit two marriages and I'll be damned if I hand the power of my happiness over to another. No one, but me, is responsible for my happiness and no one can take it away. We are all responsible for ourselves. My personal feeling now is "why marriage at all?"
Great stuff! Wish I had known about this two wives back and a couple million later....
Flag up and awesome!
Hey kid!
Damn! Yeah, you had a couple of worms. I know you Amy, and you gave things your all. and wern't appreciated the way you deserved to be. You are a person who gives. It's part of your beauty, but it does make you vunerable to ass wipes. You deserve someone as good as you, but someone that good would be hard to find. Love ya kid!
jim
dallas,
Thanks bud. Me too .. me too. Very costly stuff. Too bad we have to get old before we learn how to use our brain. (laughing)
jim
Nice read... I am in for 41 years and it's been the hardest thing I could have ever done, but also the funniest thing I have ever done... I love my kids and my love gave them to me... @ Amy I'm so sorry those guys beat you up... I think what you wrote is the classic road map for failed marriage, to push oneself down to help others up is the kiss of death... yet men are so needy and so insecure women do it everyday... I think you are right in you said no one is responsible for my happiness except me... I am intrigued by the statement...why marriage at all... there are a few reasons... kids new two parents, and after sex has run it's course it's good to have a friend that knows how much fun it was...lol... there are things that some couples get to experience from a professional level, we work together and it's fun, sometimes crazy but fun... I would say Marriage is so we are never without a close friend... for some it is hard because they are to private... but for those of us who love to talk, laugh and share, it's the most amazing thing that could ever happen... I love... love... Marriage is the a reflection of how much it means to both, and that can be hurtful if it's one sided... Divorce... never considered it... murder a couple of times, but not divorce...lol... enjoyed the read Jim...
Jeanie,
Thanks for stopping by. I really love the fact that you spent some time here reading comments and sharing your experience. Amy has a beautiful daughter by, I think it was her, second marriage. She's one of those people I call givers in a takers world, and both of these clowns she married didn't have any problem taking without giving. She's been held down for a long time and has reached the age where her freedom is a thing of genuine beauty. She's a very tallented artist, poet, and writer, and it's her time to shine. Jeanine, you are blessed with what sounds like a great partnership. The word that stood out is FRIEND. Nothing takes the place of a friend if you exclude children. There are always tough times, but friends can weather the storm. I loved your story, and hope you comeback!
jim
Jim, I often wonder how many men, and women for that matter, have left for work in the morning and considered just keeping on driving to somewhere else? I know I have. But in spite of a less than loving relationship, and a job we hate, we just don't do it. It would most likely take a shrink to explain this one, but it rarely happens.
I know a guy who has been married to and divorced from the same wife 4 times. They live together and get along fine while divorced, then they get married again and spoil everything. I assume that is because they both know they can leave anytime they want to while divorced, but feel tied down while married. His current status is divorced, and they are doing well.
Mike,
You and I've discussed this stuff in private. I was going to say it to you when I talked to you, but putting it out here for others to read may be the right thing to do. You and I, and hundress of thousands of other men are in marriages that are less than beautiful. Good things have come out of our marriages, and we love our wives. There's no denying it. I personally think they are both good women, though spoiled. Problem is they sometimes confuse us for a butler instead of a husband. We stick around for two reasons. One, we are at least partially responsible for what they've become. Two, we are men. We know that a man lives up to his responsibilities, even though it gets ugly, and often goes unappreciated. Real men don't run, and neither one of us are deserters, though we DO carry a white flag. We got busy working, and didn't have enough energy left at the end of the day to change the shape of things to come when it was early enough to do something about it. Now we're in the business of digging fox holes and putting up sand bags. THP not only fights for the preservation of our constitution, it will also offer a lot of personal freedom. I'll be traveling a lot, and Amy will be very supportive. She's got her son, and the grandbaby here, and her life is full. Sometimes I've felt like I was nothing but a trophy anyway. Staying busy has always been my theropy, and I've been very non busy for almost a year. I've got one more mountain to climb, and I saved the biggest for last. Hope you can join me. The air is real fresh up there.
jim
jim - Rather candid I'd say but probably the dead truth. Good for you.
Dear Jim and Jeanine,
First, I am apologizing for railing such a rant. I meant what I said, but had it not been for dealing with yet another impossible situation with my daughter, my frame of mind would not have been so combative.
Jim, you never cease to amaze me with how sweet you remain, even as I railed.
Jeanine, thank you so much for taking the time and care in writing of your wonderful experiences within your marriage. Quite frankly, I never considered the "friend" concept, as I never attained that with the men who had me around more to serve their egos and own satisfaction. I ultimately didn't like them enough to ever be friends by the end.
Your description, Jeanine, makes the goal of a marriage all I could ever imagine wanting. I understand that although it escaped me, it is possible. I can tell from the way you write, you are intelligent and have a great sense of humor, which is an asset in any relationship.
Thank you both for putting up with my ill humor last evening. I can see why your marriages are so successful. You give me hope that there are true friendships between men and women. Love to you both.
Jim,
Thanks bud. I imagine every situation is different, but it's as close to the truth as I can come in my situation.
jim
Amy, ME?? SUCCESSFUL AT MARRIAGE?? I'd be more successful at jumping off Mt. Everest and flying home. Jeanine's done a good job, but me? I'm just the piano player in a whore house kid! I'll give ya call later. I want to hear the latest. BTW, I love it when you go off!
jim
Unfortunately, Jim, I had to leave my phone with Megan. I'll tell you that another time. Bad situation. She's o.k. though so don't worry. I'm glad you don't hate me for my bad mood!!! Your article is "no holds barred" wonderful.
Yes, I've admired Jeanine's marriage and their understandings of each other, true adult acceptance and child-like exploration of the world together. Simply beautiful. Actually one of Jeanine's comments above reminded me of soemthing said in a movie once- I think "Shall We Dance"- Anyway Susan Surandon is the wife and she says We need a witness to our lives. THere's a billion people on this planet so what does one life really mean. In a marriage you are promising to care about the good and bad and mundane even. Essentially, your life will not go unnoticed because you have a partner.I think this applies to happy and unhappy couples.
I enjoyed reading the comments.
Amy - There is truth to the old saying "You have to be friends before you are lovers." At least that should be case but evidently you never arrived in that space. Take no offense because none is intended. If you aren't the best of friends then don't expect to be the best of lovers and have the required intimacy fall into the space where it should be.
Ribbit, ribbit...
The Frog
Amy,
Hmmm .. now I AM concerned. Call me, or let me know when you'ew getting your phone back.
jim
Laura,
I personally don't think the majority of people are thinking very far beyond the ceremony in much detail. I confess!
jim
Frog,
I dunno buddy. The worst sex I ever had was great. (just kidding, sort of)
:))
jim
Dear izettl, I agree with your profound statement about agreeing to take care of your partner in entirety, the good, the bad and the mundane. I would hope for a two-way street. I hope no one thinks I expect a bed of roses as that is not the case. Simply both people equally invested in the fulfillment of the other. Eventually, when that is not the case, at least for me, it felt like...a wasteland, so to speak. I kept waiting for the tumbleweed to blow by me.
jim - I know you are kidding but it's all in the semantics. I said "Lovers," not Lustfors." LMBO
Fo Sho my friend.
Well-well-well, I love No Pants Psychology. I’ve got to post exactly the same comment here as the one I’ve left for Izetti -
Excellent hub, ManWithNoPants! To be honest, I am sure marriage is forced and unnatural. Familiarity breeds contempt – a saying that has its origins in one of Aesop's fables – is unfortunately a fact. Love, needed to maintain a marriage until Death ends it - is hard-hard work. One eventually starts to hate the one you once loved with all your heart just because s/he is the reason why too much work keep you from enjoying life in accordance with your personal needs and interests. I honestly think it is high time to invent a new way of securing the survival of the human race. (This is after all the purpose of marriage.)
Martie,
Thanks for stoppong by my friend. Yeah, there are exceptions to the rule, but it seems that individual personalities vaporize inside the marriage, and people just become the married versions of who they once were. I dunno. I keep thinking that people's insistance on always wearing pants make it hard to keep their focus on the important stuff. :/
jim
Jim, I love your sense of humor... lol! Keep them off :)))
Martie,
I'll promise you this. My mom drummed it into my head to make sure I wore clean, fresh underwear at all times. You have my promise that while my britches may not be there, clean fresh underwear always will be!
jim :)
Amy~ What you said about you possibly expecting a bed of roses- well, in a sense it's true- not in a bad way. You see, my parents had not so great marriage- not much love or interest so my expectations of marriage are low. You had great parental example of marriage and it may hinder you in the same way it hinders someone like me who had the opposite experience. I think Jim makes some great points about expectations.
All this talk of marriage is beginning to make me think it's all about luck- luck of the draw I guess. No rhyme or reason.
Jim~ you have to admit my quote from the movie is a little true because we all want to be important and what's our life compared to anyone else's if someone else does not witness it. Just an example...Many of us would write for no audience just because we like to write, but there are just as many (maybe you included) who wouldn't write if they didn't have people to witness it. Like how the Internet made everyone a writer, and facebook made everyone's life important (at least that's what people want to think).
Sis,
I wouldn't get out of bed if I couldn't draw a crowd. If I'm a tree in the forest and there's no one around to hear me fall, there is no sound. because I'll wait for somebody to get there before I fall. I agree totaly with your thinking.
jim
Amy lose that baggage of apologizing, it's not becoming to the woman you are...lol and I mean that, I read you some and it's always a joy... in marriage we have been lucky to be this blessed and blessed to be this lucky... the first twenty years one of us led, then the next twenty the other led... now we are into our three twenty and 'I'm sure we both think we are the boss now...lol...lol... it's mostly the laughter that keeps love alive... it ain't rocket science...lol.... it has it's own unique set of proplems each days... I once had a friend tell me, if I could notice how different each challenge of marriage could be... I would make it through and still be in love when I came to the other side...I think that's what drives a successful marriage really... it's the joy of noticing... so now after this short time together, we both get up trying to notice one another...lol...lol... it 's one of the secrets of life... you know about the secrets right... look around... you'll notice, right away..
Jeanine, I like you, woman! You are direct and one smart cookie. Thanks for sharing. I agree, laughter is the best medicine and I need one hell of a comedian! I'm finding my way, Jeanine, and its all good. The ability to still be open to learning everyday keeps me young.
Jim I can hardly believe the girl is 23 myself:) thanks so much for the compliment though! I'm for sure in the 40+ Club! Haha!
I wish you would do a recipe - I get tired of trying to think up new things to cook!
RH,
You look like a damn kid. No way 40+. I always looked younger than I was, but I think it's about caught up with now. lol
jim
April 2012 will make 30 years of marriage for me and my spouse. Wouldn't feel right with anyone else. It took love, respect, patience and a healthy portion of God. First marriage hub I have visited enjoyed it and the comments.
Mimi,
First marriage hub I've written by golly. I love it when the people with great marriges come in and leave a comment. In the midst of all the failing and failed marriges, it's refreshing to be reminded that there are a lot of wonderful, healthy ones out there. Congrats and thanks for stopping by!
jim
Thanks, hopefully it will work for me if I ever get married again.
Hey Kate,
Thanks for the read. I wish you the best my friend.
jim
Great article with great facts and advices.I have also observed that couples going into marriage expecting their significant other to know how they feel without explaining anything.Both partner should understand each others needs and emotions and should not follow their ego.
fashion,
Thank you for the read and comments. Yeah, this is a problem in everyday life. People assume that the other person is wired just like them, and get blown away when they don't react the same way or see the same things they way they do. It's the old .. "Well I shouldn't have to tell you, you should just know" thing. It's a mistake to think this way.
Thanks again!
jim
MWNP,
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU ENDED THIS HUB!!!! OTHER THAN THE END OF IT, IT WAS GREAT!!!
I wondered when you'ld show up daughter. (laughing) Hey, I was taking a break from politics. No one's offered me a marriage counciling job yet. :)
dad
While you made some good points, there are definitely some reasons why I refuse to get married. These numbers are just some of the reasons which prove so.
Nat,
Marriage isn't for everybody, and that's a fact. People get divoced who shouldn't, and people stay together who'd be better off getting a divorce. Cat Stevens said it best .."ooh baby, baby it's a wild world, and it's hard to by with just a smile girl".. Yep. If you don't do your homework going in, it's little more than a crap shoot.
Hey, Nat .. thanks for the read, AND the follow! I noticed you're Canadian. Beautiful country you have there girl!
jim
Thank you, Jim.
No Problem!
:)
jim
Hi Daddy, I completely agree with establishing at the beginning of a marriage expectations. I didn't, but somehow evolved, I know that I can be better than I ever imagined I could be when I first got married. After years of marriage I felt I was the only one evolving, The only one believing we could be great, and do great things. It's easy to abandon your spouse at that point, and grow on you own. I listened to myself talk to my husband, I noticed that the way I spoke to him was not even as polite as I spoke to lady in line at grocery store. How could he go on any journey with me when it doesn't even sound like I believe in him enough to exist correctly or to my standards. So here is my additive, be at least as kind, patient, and understanding to your spouse, as you would be to a coworker or lady in line at the store. If it takes a little longer for to her find her debit card, you wouldn't make her feel worse than she already did. You would say I've had those days. Give them that same amount of kindness. I'm finding out just that change will fuel the attitude where any journey is worth it. Anyways I love you! Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone
Jamie,
this is your first comment on one of my hubs, and a great one it is. You're my baby girl, and I'm very proud of you, and that deep thinking little brain of yours. You've really become a fine woman my dear daughter.
You make such an awesome point here, which your old man missed totally. Stay with me baby!
dad
Brie Hoffman Level 5 Commenter 10 months ago
Great article ...even for those of us out here who have never been married!